Depressing post with a little bit of Happy at the End

I ride the train into work everyday.  There are always ads posted on the walls and such on the platform.  In the spring there was a couple particular ads that caught my attention much like this one only instead of a 11 week fetus it's a 20 week one.

Regardless of my views on the big A.  I was really glad when it came down.  For me it was a constant reminder of what I had lost.


This morning on the train I noticed the ad is back.  I can't help but look at the darn thing and feel sorry for myself.  It also makes me a bit angry.  I wonder if the group who puts up these ads thinks about what it might feel for someone who's suffered early or late losses to have this everyday reminder of what they what they so badly desire, and the in your face words that show people sometimes take their fertility for-granted.

Well I suspect that they don't think about us at all.


It wasn't a very good way to start my morning that's for sure.  


On the way home on the train I was checking out one of my message boards when I am in a group of local ladies all using the same fertility clinic.  There has been a flurry of BFP's in the last couple of weeks, a couple sets of twins and another first u/s tomorrow.  While I am very happy for these ladies.....can't help but be sad for myself.


This is a sadness that I often have to suffer in silence.  Head down, hair in front of face, lump in throat trying my hardest not to cry on the train.  They think I am "so strong" but that is not so.  


Today August 30 is exactly 2 years since our IUI that we conceived Gavin.  TWO YEARS!!!  Two years and we are not any further ahead then we were then.  I feel like the last two years have been such a waste.  I have not been able to appreciate that time the way I should have.  I haven't been the best wife I can be, I haven't been the best mom I can be....even though I realize these things I still haven't figured out a way to change them.


Alright after that long depressing post I will end of with some good news about my WW weigh in today.  I am down 1.8 this week for a total of 22.2.  Only 23lbs more to go!