January 8

It is now the eve of the anniversary of Gavin's third angel day :( I think anyone in a similar place would spend their time thinking back to the events of their loss. I can hardly believe three years have passed. I've been thinking and reflecting a lot today, and at times have been close to tears but haven't let them flow yet. When I got home from work today I mentioned to B that Gavin's birthday is tomorrow. He got all excited and wanted to go out and get a cake, candles and wrap up a present. I had to tell B that Gavin wouldn't be here to blow out a candle, eat cake or open a present because he was in Heaven. I told B that G (nor God) would not be able to visit from Heaven because it is too far away. I don't really think he quite "got it" but is quite happy to stand in for candle blowing duty.
I took the day off work. I don't need to be there, I need to be at a place where I can feel whatever I need to feel. I could feel like laying on the floor sobbing or perhaps taking a trip to the gym. It will be whatever I am comfortable with.
I did make another montage this year. I am pretty sure I will share it with family and friends even though that means exposing the fact that we did IVF and had another loss in 2012. I don't necessarily like putting myself out there to people and worry about people thinking I am looking for attention or something, but, making the montages are special to me, and I hope one day they have more happy then sad in them.
Life would be so different with a 2 1/2 year old right now...and here they flow...