With Christmas I have been doing well up till this evening really. We have been seriously considering a life changing decision. Adopting my sisters foster baby, we even submitted our application. We have been doing some overnights and getting her used to us. I know that dh is all about this and really wants to go ahead with adopting IF we qualify. Me though my feelings vacillate a lot. Right now they are on the no side. While she is a great baby, healthy, easy going I just don't feel this is the right time to add a (any) child to the family. With me wanting to go back to school that will be a financial hardship. We already struggle. I can't see us adding both school and child to the mix. Once I am done school and working I will be around 35 (wowzers). Still young enough to consider adding another child to the family....either via adoption or maybe IF treatments. I don't know. I feel really bad because my sister really wants for us to raise baby girl and then she will also get to be a part of her life after raising her for the past 14 months.
In a perfect world....lol....the only thing really holding me back is money, which sucks but it's reality. Even if dh offers to work 3 jobs when I am in school and I work part time....neither of us would be around....so that is no good for either child.
Since losing Gavin I have each year been able to embrace Christmas again a tiny bit more. Really it is something I have to do for B, however, Gavin's angel day is pretty tied into this season. We found out he was a boy on Dec 23, we told the family on the 25, then I got the cold from hell, and then he was gone. His day will be here before I know it and I can't help but cry and feel sad that it's just around the corner again.
Well it's about time to play Santa....I know how fortunate I am to be able to do so. I will wipe away my tears for now and smile with joy as my son experiences the magic of Christmas.
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