IF you suck.

I am on my second week of parental leave.  I am glad for this time and really did need to get away from the drama of my work life, although I do feel bad for my supervisor because I know my leaving is causing her some extra stress.  I know for a fact one of the ladies was in this last weekend working.  So far leave has been ok Mr B can be a little trying at times but he is really getting into lego's and is doing day camp this week so hopefully that keeps him busy enough.  His friend a few doors down is going to be going away for a few weeks so that will be challenging as B loves to play with his friend.  B has been chewing on his clothing lately.  It worries me, I often wonder if he has some sort of behavioral issue....he has always been "busy" a "handful" but at the same time he is sitting there playing his Lego.....shirt already off....lol.  I did by a piece of chewlery for him (waiting for it to be sent) I wonder if that will help.

Ok so I am going to talk about something which leaves my feelings somewhat confused.  That desire to have a baby....it's still there.  I am not sure if I was expecting it to go away or just lessen with the addition of C.  We wasted so much time trying to have a baby and I am so angry about all of it....and yet I still want it.  So then I wonder what should we do.  Obviously if it didn't happen in three years chances are even if we did try it wouldn't happen and then we get back into that cycle of life wasting ttc.  I briefly thought of fostering babies but I don't think it's totally practcal.  When can I ever expect to not want a pregnancy/baby? when can I see pregnant women/newborns and not feel jealous or resentful?  Sometimes it feels like it will be this way the rest of my life.  What the heck did I do to deserve lifelong bitterness?

I want so badly to be happy but it's so hard.  Sure I hear some people saying geez look what you have a boy and girl your're so lucky.  Of course I am grateful for my family....just can't totally get out from under the weight of IF and loss and it's affecting my present and future.  IF you suck.