I went to see the EAP counselor and he is quite convenient because he's actually right in the building where I work just up a few floors, I don't even have to switch elevator banks, but I'm not sure if he's the right person for me. He was okay to talk too but I don't know if he actually gets what exactly I've been through and how that makes me feel and pretty sure he referred to Gavin's loss as a miscarriage and I did not correct him, if I do see him again I will. I didn't like the fact that he was taking notes. I didn't actually notice him writing anything but he had a whole slew of notes when I looked up. He was also checking the clock quite a bit which I found to be somewhat distracting. Overall he thinks that I am mildly to moderately depressed and have suffered various traumas (miscarriages). He would like to try and get me to start thinking more positively which I am told is part of CBT therapy. He also gave me some homework which I don't even know where to start with it. I haven't rebooked, I'm not sure if I will go back to him or see if there's somebody else to try.
Today Dh and I saw K, we talked a bit about Brennan and getting him into this strategies program. My concerns over his coding and how that may prevent him from getting into the program. I don't feel his coding is accurate, K feels that when the person comes up to observe him that they will see for the most part his behavior and emotions are pretty good not anywhere near the definition of the coding. We talked quite a bit about how things are going with parenting, in dealing with various aspects of B, getting him to do his jobs and take his pill, form a closer bond with Dh. Dh is to be assertive when B gets physical or throws a tantrum. We also spoke of C because we have the opposite issues there, she is a daddy's girl and I am the bad guy ALL the time which is a hinderance to our bonding. My job is to back off and let dh take care of things when she whines or climbs all over him etc. again he needs to be firm. I need to make more of an effort to have "special time" with her. We talked about me and how I have been feeling. I would say essentially the same as last time. I've got plenty of those negative thoughts in my head like, things will never change, why me? nothing to look forward too etc. I would have to say even a couple years ago I had much more hope but now it's just not there. I will never have a good experience in childbirth, never have another baby, probably never get to go back to school for nursing, never get to do anything fun like go on a vacation....i've been waiting 10 years for a honeymoon. Something just always gets in the way....a job loss, a new job meaning no vacation days, ttc'ing (in the past) unexpected expenses.....always something. It just feels like what's the point. I exist to simply pay my bills and make sure my family is taken care of. I am a very functional depressed person. K said if I wasn't working, like off in a leave or something I would probably be a lot less functional. I can totally see this. I was off today and totally dread having to get up in the morning and go in. She mentioned again about meds, she says she isn't a big proponent but it is the second time she has mentioned it. Almost a third time as she once confused me with another mom who already was on meds. I'm not sure about it. She says they won't change my thinking just my reaction to situations....like I won't get so sad, cranky and irritable I think? You know what meds mean though? Talking to my doctor....So the plan right now is to alternate parent sessions with Brennan sessions. I think this is a good idea. I will see about either seeing the guy again or asking for someone else. Ok so asking for help is the first step. I would like for things to be different, but at the same time can't see how I can take the situations I've been given and find that hope again. Maybe if something good happened for a change that would help.
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