Comparing Grief

I was reading a couple of blogs earlier today, both bloggers posted about comparing their experience to other BLM's and then assigning a value less than, equal to, or more than.  I suppose I to have done something similar at times.....however having been through early loss myself I know it can be devastating.  Four years ago I was pregnant and in limbo.  November 9, 2006 I was finally diagnosed with a missed miscarriage.  It was devastating.  First pregnancy and first lost.  That was MY experience. 

Baby Drew

There was never a moment in Gavin's pregnancy that I didn't think I would have a term birth and a living baby to take home.  He was taken from me so quickly and unexpectedly.  This experience has been devastating also, but for ME so much more profoundly.  Here I am almost 10 months later and still struggling.  I can't say if my feelings and emotions would be different had I made it to term and he still died.  I don't know, that wasn't my experience.

One of the bloggers also mentioned having an older child(ren) surely makes the grieving easier.  I do think this.  There have been many times I have said it was/is Brennan that keeps me going.  BUT....and this is a big BUT.  I wonder if anyone has considered the effects of a grieving depressed mother has on a child.

I know there have been many times that I have been distant and moody, quick to temper, or crying.  Brennan is not oblivious to these things.  He suffers too.

So what am I trying to say here???    Grief is personal, grief is individual, grief can be consuming and not everyone grieves in the same manor.  What is the use comparing?  We all hurt.

I've been having an awful day.  Bitchy, moody.  I am forcing myself to prepare for tomorrow's birthday party.  I feel like a terrible mother.