Final Breath

I made it through Easter services. I did cry. I could feel it coming. It's almost like it's inevitable....it's going to happen just a matter of when.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

That's when I lost it. I clutched DH's thigh and silently cried. But I gained control I was ok. I'm not even sure anyone really noticed. I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions when I need to.....although I shouldn't need to....

The managing partners wife came in to the office yesterday. I met her for the first time at the Christmas party and she knew I was expecting. She apologized to me and offered her sympathy. Then proceeded to tell me of a friend who lost two babies but one she had to "give birth" too the baby was born still. I said to her I gave birth to my baby I was more than halfway through my pregnancy and he was born alive. Realizing her mistake along came the additional apologies and sympathy.

Ok so I know she is the wife of the managing partner and doesn't work in the office but everyone in this particular office is really very unaware of exactly what happened. Unless I have actually told my story all people know is that I was pregnant and now I am not. They assume I had an early loss. Now this isn't their fault because I was working in our other office before I had Gavin and the e-mail that went out to the firm after Gavin died was not specific. Honestly if I knew someone that took 7 weeks off after an early loss I would think that to be extreme....so what do they think about me if they assume I had an early loss?

I've told my story to a few of the ladies....in hopes they would kind of make it known but baby death is not something people like to talk about....so....I don't know....

I put a picture of Gavin's footprints on my computer....maybe that will be a discussion started.

I am off today on my EDO and go for my SIS HyCoSy this afternoon. Please cross your fingers....say a little prayer that this test will go smoothly and everything (my tubes) will be in working order. If it doesn't go well that I will have the strength to deal with an additional blow.