A Birthday

Today is my birthday.  My co-workers decorated my desk.  It was so nice of them....a little too much attention for me but it was nice all the same.  DH and B are sending me to the salon.  I'll go next week before my works Christmas party.

Overall an ok day...except one thing.  All I keep thinking about is how 30 was the worst year of my entire life (minus about 6 weeks when I was blissfully pregnant with Gavin) and I am so glad it's done....but just being done doesn`t change what happened.  I am still heartbroken.  Today is really no different from yesterday or tomorrow.

In TTC news, now officially in the 1ww. We will know in a week if we are pregnant or destined for another cycle.  I`ve done ok with my temptation to POAS but since there wouldn`t really be anything but trigger to see it hasn`t been too hard.  But the next few days will be much harder.  I want to hold off till at least 11 or 12 dpo.  POAS can be an expensive habit and I have run out of my cheep internet tests.  I am not sure how I am feeling about the cycle really.  Based on my prior history the odds are with me, but I`ve been so full of negative thoughts since losing Gavin it`s hard to imagine that I would be so lucky to have a BFP this cycle.

I try to remind myself that I am not in control and it will happen (or not) in His timing.