Every Saturday I mark another week since Gavin's death. Every Sunday I mark another week of where I should have been in my pregnancy.
So close now. Within a month of going on maternity leave and about 6 weeks before giving birth. Brennan came more than two weeks early. Had I made it to term with Gavin I would have expected similar timing.
These reminders leave me in a poor mood. I cry, get angry, feel guilty. My guilt stems from the fact that my husband and living child bear witness to these moods. It's not fair to them.
I wonder when? When will I stop feeling the weight of grief on my chest, when the lump in my throat will go away, when the tears that so easily form and fall will stop. I haven't quite figured out what I need to do to help myself...I just know I have to do something.
3 comments:
Things seemed to get a bit easier after my due date. I stopped feeling like I was in limbo, I seemed to have a bit more flex.
This is a hard time, the last bits of shock have worn off, and you are just so very raw.
I'm sorry Glo. Sending hugs and care and concern. I can't make it better, but I'm always available to listen.
Maybe it's time to see your pastor or a grief counsellor. I know it's so hard and you're actually doing fairly well but someone with some experience in dealing with the feelings can probably really help. At worst, it can't hurt. Hugs.
I wish I had answers for you. I really don't know how you're supposed to get back to a happy place after such a loss. I think it takes time.
I can totally understand your guilt feelings. Of course none of this is your fault, but it feels awful to be miserable when you're with your toddler. Just try to be gentle with yourself.
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