Blech

My Mother lent me a book to read. It was the book her "ladies morning out" group from Church read this spring. I can't think of what it is called at the moment and I am to lazy to get up and go check, but I stuck it in my bag today to read on the train. It's about dealing with tragedy. My first thought was ok maybe my Mother is trying to understand my situation in her own way. Yes I acknowledge that she too has endured not only the loss of her Grandson but has had to watch me her only daughter navigate through the absolute worst time of my life. If it were my child I would be heartbroken and feel absolutely useless to help. I don't feel like she is trying to push something at me this time....just quietly acknowledging...I need that.

So I pulled out the book tonight on the way home. I didn't make it past page 5 before I had to pack it up and put my sunglasses on, knot in my throat, tears about to spill. This is what got to me, someone saying to the author that God chose her for her situation because she was strong and could get through it.

It almost implies that if I was weak and couldn't "deal" then Gavin would be alive. I know that is not the case but seriously that was the impression....and it doesn't make me feel better what so ever. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so "strong." Sometimes I want to curl up in bed and never get up again. Being strong sucks.

Someone said to me the other day after my IUI cycle got canceled to stay positive because when it does happen and I get pregnant again it will be with the baby I was meant to have....so what does that mean....I am meant to have a dead baby too?....no body would ever say that....

I wonder that since this IUI was canceled my count starts over at 1 again?? Seriously I wish I would just O.....ovaries are sore :(