Christmas

Well Christmas 2010 has not turned out as I would have liked.  I cried myself to sleep last night, and put on a brave face this morning so that Brennan could enjoy his day.

I was so hopeful that our IUI would work this time.  What would be better than to end a really bad year with some good news?  I know that no one "deserves" anything in this life but come on why couldn't something good or happy happen on this day of all days? :(

Yesterday I was 11dpo. (Venturing into TMI land here)  I noticed a tiny little bit of spotting.  WTF?  Only 11 dpo AF shouldn't be arriving this early.  Maybe implantation spotting?  But tests are BFN....so....I don't know.   Still spotting today....I guess AF is on her way.  Since the clinic is closed we get to decide what to do for a cycle.....yeah us.

Feeling disheartened, broken, sorry for myself.....not very merry.

Christmas in my life has been shrouded by tragedy and sadness anyways.  I don't know why I should have expected any different this year.  My maternal Grandmother passed December 25, 1991 and my father had his heart attack December 24, 2001.  Hum...almost every 10 years I get a shitty Christmas....yeah me.

Dearest Gavin,

I wish you could have been here with us today.   You would have been 7 months old and fascinated with the Christmas lights and wrapping paper, watching your big brother play with his "big boy" toys.  I am sad you are not here.

I know that you are in the only place that is better that here on earth with me.  But until I am there with you my heart will always be broken and missing you.  Not just on special holidays and anniversaries but every single day, every single moment.

Love you forever and with all my being,

Mommy