Christmas for B.

To the ancient Egyptians

the phoenix was a legendary bird, consumed by file,

who rose up from its own ashes

and assumed a new life.

From our own ashes

we must also recreate ourselves, our lives

~Anne Kaiser Stearns

I am starting to see quite a few BLM's talking about Christmas in their blogs.  Some want to try and make the best, other would prefer to completely ignore it.  Me well I will do the best I can, I want to make it a good time for Brennan.  So that is my choice.  That IS something I can do for him. 

Last Christmas morning I specifically remember saying to Dh that next Christmas we would have two little ones.   That memory haunts me.  I had no clue that in two weeks he would be gone, and I would be beginning this most difficult journey.

I've been re-reading the book Living Through Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Stearns.  I first read this book way back in 2000 when it was part of a course I was taking at University.  It was a summer elective  I took by correspondence called "Grief Death and Dying."  While I had experienced death, my grandparents and Isaac....I am re-reading with new eyes now that I have experienced the loss of my own child.

Once I am done I will probably talk a bit more about it.  But for now I will just say how relieved I was to read that after the loss of a child can take a year or more to adjust.  I am relieved because at nearly 11 months I don't really feel much happier.  Sure I can get through several days in a row without tears but most of the time I feel as if I am just going through the motions.

TTC Update....
My baseline on Sunday went fine.  I go back on Friday for a follie check.  I expect IUI will be mid to late next week.  This timing sets me up for testing just prior to Christmas....yikes!  No pressure.