Maybe I was being prepared?

I have a confession. I was a reader of DBM blogs before I lost my own baby. I have to wonder if maybe I was somehow being prepared? or maybe I am just morbid and depressed.

My husband always thought I was morbid when I read stories or watched peoples montages about their deceased babies....me well I would just cry. Sometimes you just need to cry.

I never never expected that when I walked into the hospital that day that I would become a DBM. For many of us our babies deaths are completely unexpected we are unprepared to even think rationally in the aftermath. It's hard to know what to do, what you might need in the future to aid in the grieving process.

When they asked me before the birth if I wanted to hold my baby when he was born. I wasn't sure if I could do it. Honestly I was scared. Scared to face the reality of death. It would have been very easy at the time to have just said no. I think had I done that it would have become a huge regret and probably something I could never forgive myself for.

There are things looking back that I wish I had done but I am fortunate to have the memories and mementos that I have. We both held our baby while he lived and after he died, we touched his skin, kissed his head, took some pictures. I was rational enough to know that these things were important.

It is a terrible thing that babies die, but without the wisdom and experience of those other moms, my journey would be much much more difficult.

This post has taken a while to write. I don't know if I have managed to explain my thoughts adequately or not.....probably not...so we'll make this another ramble post.