Sometimes I just need to cry

I had a sad evening. Nothing in particular happened, just feeling rather melancholy and weepy. It's been a while since I had a day like this.

I went out onto our deck sat in the light of the setting sun and cried. Silent tears and quivering lips.

I try to see the good, but sometimes I don't think I try hard enough because the dark always seems to win over and I think negative thoughts or I really start to feel sorry for myself...

I still haven't figured this all out. I feel like I am lost...searching for direction.

My thoughts are starting to change from I should be this much pregnant to I should be holding my newborn baby. I'm not a first time mother, I know that the newborn stage is not always easy. I went through sleep deprivation, breastfeeding and other challenges with B. I haven't forgotten what it was like. I just keep picturing a sweet newborn with dark hair swaddled up in my arms. I had imagined that this experience with Gavin was going to be so much different. That may or may not have been the reality but I didn't get the chance to find out.