Day 2 January 9

Today is his birthday, five years old.  We had a small birthday party for him, I bought balloons and a small chocolate cake and candles.  We sang happy birthday, it was so sweet BUT I didn't get it on video I guess I forgot to press the record button...oops.  I asked if we should sing again but B said next year. We braved the frigid temps to release our balloons, we all got one and we kept the mylar one for in the house.

This morning I had my appointment with K, B's therapist.  I want to try and remember as much as I can but we talked about so many different things.  She had a little rating thing for me to fill out which we talked about first, being more specific about the details of why I gave such a rating per category.   Then she asked what I wanted to talk about.  We ended up talking about many things, I did get to talk a bit about G, I shared a  couple of items that I had brought, his hat and prints, and showed her a picture.  We talked about my story, what happened, how I felt then, how I feel now.  We talked a bit about my mother and sister and their roles (or lack of roles) in my journey.  We talked a lot about dh, both kids and how I kind of have a wall put up.  We talked about my job and goals or hopes. I feel like I have so many things I could talk about, as it was we went well over our time.  I was there early and we started early and we went past our time. I thought I managed to get out right at the start about my concerns about depression but we didn't really talk much about that really, not directly anyways.  K did ask me if I wanted to talk more.  She is willing to talk to me but not sure how or if that would work.  Her job is working with the learning and development kids, which also means working with parents/guardians also but more in the respect of learning to deal with the kids issues and maybe making changes in parenting styles or helping to get parents to recognized areas in which their behaviours are affecting the child.  She said that she could work with me alone but not know if a few sessions down the road that would get veto'd.  She mentioned the bereavement clinic where I went before, I didn't have a very good experience there, maybe it was too early, or maybe I wasn't comfortable.  I am not sure.  I do know that B has had since June almost biweekly sessios with K and each time we get to talk and I have had a chance to become more  comfortable talking with her and I do feel like i trust her.  If I talk to someone new it means building up that trust again and rehashing the hard stuff again. So I don't know.

It's been  a busy day, I am finally getting a chance to be on my own, do what I need to do for me.

'Till my body is dust,

'Till my sould is no more,

I will love you (Fisher)

I Love you little one <3