Jan 16

My niece finally had her new baby late last night.  I say finally because they only announced the minute they found out.  It was a long 39 weeks.  I did at some point hide said niece from my fb newsfeed and then deleted her all together.  Dh still was "friends" so if I ever felt inclined to see how things were going I could find out.  Truth be honest when I saw the news this morning it was a stab in the heart.  24 yo two healthy normal deliveries, her older who is the same age as B a good little student, no issues.

I read this book called the grief recovery method.  My neigbour friend sees/saw a psychiatrist who uses this method.  Grief is not just pertaining to death, but lots of other things which can be perceived as a loss for example divorce, moves, job loss etc.

So the book asks readers to create a timeline of the experienced losses.  Mine is rather filled.  I think though some of the items can be clumped together such as dh's numerous job losses over the years. Of course some of the losses are much more intense than others.  

Then the book asks the readers to create three lists.  The first is apologizing, the second is forgiving and the third is grand statements.  Then you are asked to complete a letter to your lost one/things using these three lists.  I have not written my letter yet.  I am struggling with the forgiving part. Of course I chose G for my first letter, he has nothing to be forgiven for.  I will try to write a letter soon maybe read it to K (your supposed to read it to one person you can trust, preferably not a person who also experienced the same loss)...but I don't see how it will "complete" my loss. Maybe I am doing it wrong or should have started with a lesser loss.

I am struggling these days.  I do feel like I have wasted so much time being stuck in my numerous reasons to grieve a loss but becoming vulnerable in person is tough.  The online therapist is urging me to do face to face.  I know I need it, it's just scary.

I'm going to a seminar for the grief recovery method next Thursday maybe I will gain some further insight. I see K with B on Wednesday, I anticipate speaking a bit more about getting some face to face for me.

It's interesting I always just assumed my being unhappy was "normal" that nothing could really help my grief from my losses they are what they are no changing what happened.  I guess the idea is changing those negative thoughts and allowing myself to complete the process of healing while not forgetting.