100th Post, People and Picture

This is my 100th post. Never thought I would post this many entries when I started this blog.

Yesterday Brennan and I went to WEM with my parents, sister and her four kids. We took the kids to the play place. I really don't like that place. It's so crazy. I am afraid for my child. Afraid he will be knocked over by the bigger kids, but he loves it. Of course he does what kid doesn't love the play place? Anyways I was keeping my eyes on him and my sister started chatting with me. Asking me why I was being so quiet, not saying much. What's wrong she said? Then went on to list a whole bunch of things as possibilities. I couldn't even reply, but this is what I was thinking. WTF do you think is wrong? Do you expect me to suddenly be happy and jovial? Sure it's been 5 weeks. The searing pain may have lessened but I am still broken inside. I am not going to put a show on for anyone.

I was pretty ambivalent about today being Valentines day. It's not really a date I have ever really cared much about. DH did come through with a card and chocolate. We went for breakfast, although with B it wasn't exactly a nice relaxing romantic time, he keeps us on our toes.

While we were waiting at the restaurant I was playing around with DH's phone. Remembered he had taken a picture of Gavin using it. Had I been in a better frame of mind that night/morning I would have called someone to bring us a camera much earlier, but I didn't. I still had some hope that everything would be ok and once I went into labour my concentration was on that.

So Gavin's first picture was taken on DH's cell. After that I said to him, we need to call someone and have a camera brought. Cell phone will just not do.

I found that picture today and looked at it for the first time since it was taken. I figured out how to email it to myself (after a few tries). Once we got home I got on the computer to look at it. Most people would think it's gross. It's a "fresh" picture, meaning before Gavin was bathed, there is blood on the blanket, he has vernix on his upper lip and on his brow. I would like to think he was still alive when it was taken but I guess probably not.

To me as his mommy it's a beautiful picture. He looks so perfect, so plump. Strong looking legs and arms, cute little tummy. I like to think he would have looked a lot like Brennan. I know there are similarities, their nose, their finger and toenails. At least I have that....I can imagine what he would look like.

I packed up Gavin's things today. Everything was getting spread out and before I lost something I wanted to make sure it was together in one box. One day I would like to get a nice box but for now a tote will do. DH wanted to put it in the basement. Um...no I don't think so. I'm not ready for that yet and may never be. The tote will stay upstairs in our room so I can look through and touch Gavin's things as often as needed.