The nurse from the EPL clinic called yesterday to talk. I am not really sure what they expect when they call patients. I suppose some cry, some are stoic, some are angry, some want to talk and others don't. Me well I don't even really know what to say. The nurse suggested I might want to come into talk with Patti (the person I spoke with after Gavin). I don't know that is something I want to do. It's much easier to hold it together over the phone, or write in my blog. I know for a fact that no one out there can answer the question of why....and for me shedding tears in the presence of a counselor or nurse doesn't really make me feel any better. The nurse asked me if I had any online support. I got to mention the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope organization. She said she would check it out. Maybe it will get added to their list of resources.
It was the nurse that said we all have our 'burden's to bear." Sure I get that. Some people's burden's seem to be much crueler and more difficult than others. Something that will never have explanation here on this earth. Bad things happen to good people all the time and some other people who may not be so good glide through life with only the smallest blips. I don't get that.
I also spoke to the fertility clinic nurse yesterday to get my weekly hcg draws set up. With my first mmc it took 5 weeks. I wonder how long it will be this time :( If we do ttc again it won't be until June at the earliest. I will also require another Saline Infusion Sonohystogram (SIS) to check out the old uterus and make sure the D&C didn't leave any damage or scaring.
Now that I have the opportunity I've been thinking about getting my tattoo done. I want to have Gavin's foot prints with three butterfly's around them. The three butterfly's symbolizing the three pregnancies that were lost much earlier. My doctors don't consider the chemical pregnancy from March 09 to be relevant but I do. Something started and ended very early. It still counts and I would feel bad not giving it a Butterfly too. I might just wait to see if we find out anything from the testing of this baby (gender wise). That may influence the colours anyways.
4 comments:
I love that the hospital does so much follow-up. That is unusual.
I agree that the chemical pregnancy counted. I had an early miscarriage at 5 weeks and a blighted ovum at 10 weeks after losing Jacob at 21 weeks, and although I grieve for Jacob the most, the others still count.
I got a tattoo after I lost my last one, the blighted ovum. It was very healing.
I agree that a tattoo can be very healing. Mine has not only my babies here on earth but my two in heaven (and one was also an early loss...and still as relevant to me)
A loss is a loss. I agree that the chemical pregnancy counts.
I think saying that we have "burdens to bear" is very insensitive. A burden to bear is taking care of an ailing parent or having a job with too much responsibility NOT losing a child much too early and certainly not the extreme amount of pain and loss you've had to endure. Sending you love and hugs over the miles.
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