Earlier tonight as I was preparing for bed I thought to myself that this loss has felt different. I am not a crying mess like I was the first time or with Gavin. I've been sitting here tonight watching Gavin's montage over and over and crying. It occurred to me that because I am still grieving him it's been difficult to separate the emotions involved with his death and the loss of this baby. Or maybe because I am still grieving him I didn't let myself get too emotionally attached to this pregnancy....out of fear...and for that I am sad.
Poor little babe, you were very much wanted. I am sorry you were not to be our Rainbow after all.
I am tired in more ways than one. I wonder how much more I have in me. How many cycles to ttc? Can I survive much more heartache? It's been 5 years, countless blood draws, countless ultrasounds, 4 HSG's, 1 SIS, countless injections and medications, 6 IUI's, 1 medically induced miscarriage, 1 natural miscarriage, 1 d & c, 1 neonatal death and 1 living child. It feels like the odds are falling further and further to the negative. Brennan might just be an only child after all.
2 comments:
My mom had my brother, and then had 4 miscarriages. One of them was a late term, she named him Louis. 7 years after she had my brother she had me, there's always a possibility, even after so much heartbreak. :( <3
I can imagine that after everything that you have been through, this must feel different. I'm sorry, Glo. Nobody should have to go through so much.
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