Disgust

I was thinking last night about how much my body has failed me. I am sure I have blogged about this at some point in time. My overall disappointment of being unable to conceive without assistance, the huge disappointment I felt at the birth of B. Yes I fully acknowledge and am grateful that I have a happy and healthy two year old now, but up until 7 days ago his birth was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. A total letdown.

With Gavin I had so many expectations for his birth. I was thinking about trying for a vbac (wasn't recommended)and even if I didn't try a repeat c-section would have been so much better than the hell I went through with B.

My boss was chatting with me a few weeks back asking me how I felt etc. I told her I felt great that it seemed my pregnancies were good it was just the getting pregnant and giving birth that I had issues. She mentioned that sometimes women go in for an appointment and are pulled out of work by their doctor. I said well I hope that is not my case.

Little did I know I was about to face the worst experience possible, a nightmare come true. I really didn't think anything could top the disappointment involved in B's birth.

IT DID!

I just don't get it. I had faith at least that I could carry a baby to term. It made me feel so normal more like a woman than at any other time in my life. Now I have no faith in this body. My baby was healthy but my body had the need to get rid of it.

One week ago today was the start of this terrible nightmare which I now call my reality.

Oh I did get Gavin's health card in the mail yesterday, yet another issue to resolve, smack in the face.