Three weeks and can't sleep

Three weeks today, feels like a lifetime ago and yet just yesterday at the same time. I miss you precious boy.

I am having trouble sleeping. Normally it's just getting to sleep. I often go to bed and relive Jan 8 and 9 over and over in my head. I can say my pillow is never dry at night.

This morning I awoke nice and early and couldn't settle again. I laid in bed for a while and let my thoughts run wild before getting up. What's the point of just laying there?

I found a blog the other day about a couple with a similar situation 2 years ago. Only about 3 weeks further along than myself. Due to lack of NICU beds in their city they were transferred to my city after the mom was shown to be 1.5-2 cm dilated. They were treated by one of my Doctor's. She managed 8 days in trendelenberg position after a failed rescue cerclage bringing them just past 25 weeks at delivery. The Doctor said it was the longest he's seen a patient last in that situation.

Babies (yes twins) were born stayed in NICU for months. Unfortunately the blog ends when they both were discharged home so I don't know what the long term effects of their prematurity are.

So on the day I would have been one day shy of viability I wonder if had I made it to this date before "things happened" what decisions we would have made for our child. I know that at 24 weeks survival is 50%, and of the 50% that survive the chance of life long disability is significant. In some ways I am thankful to not have been faced with making the decision of life, disability or death. That was taken out of my hands.